It’s Thanksgiving morning. The Macy’s Day parade is on in the background while the kitchen is filled with fresh scents of rosemary, thyme, and oregano. The Detroit Lions are just a few hours away from kicking off the NFL slate of games.
Yet, you’re in your lucky chair, sweating, wondering how you could be so stupid. Why did you triple stack TCU’s Jaden Craig, Jeremy Payne, and Jordan Dwyer?! They face off against Texas Tech’s elite defense, giving up just 12.2 PPG, and need a win plus style points to remain in contention for the first-round bye in the playoffs. Don’t worry. I’m sure a combined 34 fantasy points from the TCU three will be enough to avoid finishing last.
Somehow, some way, you wake up with no hangover, even though you pounded more Michelob Ultras than Horned Frog points were scored the night prior. The weekend is young, and Black Friday is filled with glorious college football action. Or is it? You spent a mid-third rounder on Marcel Reed and have a Texas defense on the docket later in the evening. Surely, he’ll bounce back from his 190-yard and 1-touchdown performance against Oklahoma the week prior…
Flash forward to Reed’s third interception of the night, and the Aggies are now down three touchdowns midway through the third quarter. This is not the start you had in mind for your championship-bound team, sandwiched between “ElGambino” and “GatorHeels” during that July 15th evening live draft.
As you ponder life’s many mysteries, like why you drafted James Peoples in 27% of your drafts this offseason, Devon Dampier opens up his final game of the season with a 57-yard touchdown run. You heard the Ballin’ with My Bestie team say that there was no such thing as too much Devon Dampier, yet you didn’t listen. Dampier ends the night with 155 yards on the ground and five total touchdowns against the Mountaineers. The mood has shifted from optimistic Thanksgiving morning to “put me out of my misery.”
The final regular-season version of College Gameday is here. Stanford Steve is trying to convince me that Notre Dame -24.5 is a “lock of the century” against a 4-win Syracuse team. All you can think about is how your quarterback room now relies on Mason McKenzie and CJ Bailey. “Why did I go with four quarterbacks on 75% of my teams like Ethan told me to do?!”
The good news is that CJ Bailey’s upside this weekend is boosted thanks to Will Warren being in a tragic bass fishing accident. His injuries were minimal but enough to keep him out of the matchup against UNC. You celebrate that fact and only slightly feel bad about it. And Mason McKenzie has channeled his namesake, McKenzie Milton, and is one touchdown shy of double digits on the ground this season. Maybe there’s some hope after all?
Bailey takes care of business against the Tar Heels to the tune of 35 fantasy points while McKenzie goes for 28 in a near-upset over the Hurricanes. And even better, he hooked up with Reed Swanson twice in the end zone. Not listening to Jared Palmgren has never felt so good. Jaedn Skeete was never a threat in the passing game after missing the entire spring.
With such limited draft capital spent on quarterbacks, your running backs and tight ends are loaded. Antwan Raymond runs for 200 yards and three touchdowns against the Spartans. Aneyas Williams takes advantage of the incredible game script and scores twice against Syracuse. Trey’Dez in the fourth? You’re damn right! You’re flying high just like your team up the leaderboard. All you need now is a big performance from Terrell Anderson against UCLA in the night’s final game. He’s had a very good season, but can he put up 22 fantasy points in the finale?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s time to call up Eric Froton, whose boots are squarely on the ground of the Rose Bowl.
“You want me to do what? To who?! Sure, sure. Fine, I’ll see what I can do.” Froton gets back to playing catch with Jonas Williams on the sidelines. He thinks you’re crazy, but you’ve agreed to give him 3% of all winnings and four Crumbl cookies as part of the deal. How could he say no to that?
There are two minutes left on the clock as the Trojans are up 35-21 on the Bruins. Anderson has just eclipsed the 100-yard mark, adding two touchdowns. Against all odds, you’ve won the Best Bowl Mania tournament. All it took was a bass accident, Froton spiking Tanook Hines’ Gatorade, and a huge performance from your 13th-round pick. You sit back, smile, and think to yourself, “Man, this sh** is easy.”
